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making again, making new, nuts & bolts, performance writing, reflections, Thoughts

Thoughts on walking home from the studio in a thunderstorm

1. Although I feel that saying my ‘personal is political’ is a tad distasteful there is something interesting happening to my identity right now, certainly 5 years ago I had some issues around who I was, who was constructing me, how I felt about that, how I received it. Now I too feel a shift, a change, a difference. Perhaps a gendered one, perhaps more just to do with age and economy and even global concerns.

This perhaps best evidenced in the litany of I am, I was almost resistant to constructing myself sexually, instead noting how I am my job, I am single, I am my ambition.

2. The number isn’t as high as I thought it was, it is double figures.

3. I have a new story about sex, or relationships, or expectations and it goes along the lines of trying to date men who are little older than me, having decided that those my age still have a fair bit of growing up to do…. then discovering that actually that these men are the same, if not worse (maybe there’s an element of reasoning which would suggest they still aren’t married for a reason!?)… however this does lead on to dating and that recently I have ‘dated’ and in the past whereas one night stands were the order of business, now I am much more hesitant about coming back for ‘coffee’, I am less interested in the act and more interested in the relationship….. this is very different from who I was then. I’m not sure what she would say about this…. perhaps though she saw it coming.

4. The very first page of writing in my original journal contains possibly the best writing I have so far and the most insight into what I think is happening in this project which leads to …

5. I have spent the last 5 years reminiscing about what I had and who I was, I have shoe boxes full of memories that stop dead, no new ones have taken their place, my photo albums abruptly end somewhere around 2005… I have tried to re-fill, to make new ones, to make the same experiences again but I can’t. It’s not the same. It’s different.

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