What did I mean to say in Underwear when I said, “I am a woman, I am a girl”? Is this what I would mean now, if I said it again? I can say a lot more now, 5 years later. I can say a lot less. Bitterness and sadness seep into hope and naivety. Sex it seems to me only gets more complicated with more to lose and more to desire and much less to throw away. I spend less time worrying about my bust size these days and more about my increasing waist line. In 5 years time I suspect I will admire the innocence of that sentence.
How can I even face a nice cup of tea? I actually feel a little sick in the stomach at the thought of it. Such a mess. I’ve made my peace now. We moved on, became better people. You said your piece and I said mine. It was hard to make, it feels harder to return to. Still, as I said before, “I guess its true, I guess you’ll always be in love with your first love. Maybe you’ll always be searching to replace the gap it left. Always looking for a replacement, something to fill the void. You keep searching for it and other people will come and you’ll want to do it differently, you’ll want to try again, to make this time perfect. You couldn’t fix it the first time, you know that now but it doesn’t matter…”
There’s a lot that was never said, or finished, or realised within Tony, Susan, The Lady and The Artist……
Then of course most recently Left Luggage and the art of train travel which I’m not quite sure I’ve finished yet. Still reflecting, still thinking, still performing – it’s legacy isn’t quite clear but it needs another 15 minutes at least adding to it if its to have any ‘real’ life as a commercial piece of work.
I’m still not sure what it means and to add into it I fear I’d have to open up that which I’m so sure about now. It’s finished, it’s pretty why would I want to mess with it I’m still happy to look at it in the palm of my hand.
Of course two people are in 3 pieces of this work, one person is in all 4. It’s about you and it’s about me and what we do about that. How do we live with each other? How can it always be perfect with the type of pain that creates passion and not fear?